Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
