I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
