your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
