i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
