I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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