i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
