this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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