nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
