Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
