there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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