My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
