So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
