why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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