I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
