i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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