Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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