I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
