Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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