home. puking in laundry basket.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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