genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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