The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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