Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my being single is dangerous.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
