ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
