I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
