I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Randomize
