Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
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