My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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