yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
