last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
