I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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