ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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