If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
