On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
