dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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