What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
