Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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