You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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