I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
