the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
