So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
