Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
