she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Randomize
