I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
