Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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