I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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