I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
