Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
