So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
