just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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