Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
