You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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